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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28001775">that will (never) be enough</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bytheinco_nstantmoon/pseuds/bytheinco_nstantmoon'>bytheinco_nstantmoon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>ribs [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Julie and The Phantoms (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(thumbs up emoji), Alex Mercer Has Anxiety (Julie and the Phantoms), Bonding, Found Family For The Gays, Friendship is Magic, Hurt/Comfort, Julie Molina Has Autism, Luke Patterson Has ADHD (Julie and The Phantoms), Luke Patterson Has Autism (Julie and the Phantoms), Multi, Self Awareness idk, Self-Esteem Issues, admit you. you love it, anyway, as in i am catering to you- the gays- with found family, because i fucking said so, dear god why did i type that, hey you! yeah you!, let her say fuck you cowards, maybe i should just tag my fic, rated for julie's fuck righst, she deserves it, that wasn't meant to sound threatening, yeahhhhhh we tag teaming this motherfucker, you know you love you, you're a good person and i'm glad you exist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:29:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,218</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28001775</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bytheinco_nstantmoon/pseuds/bytheinco_nstantmoon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Luke,” Alex interrupted, his voice tight. The room fell quiet. There was no way to argue when Alex sounded like that, near angry with the knots tied up in his throat and tongue. It snapped into Julie’s gut like a whip. His teeth were set. “What the fuck are you saying?” Alex asked lowly.</p><p>Luke blinked. “Well, I mean, just…” he shrugged. “I’m, like, the expendable one.”<br/>-<br/>or; Luke makes a joke, and it doesn't go over well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex &amp; Julie Molina &amp; Luke Patterson &amp; Reggie, Julie Molina/Luke Patterson/Reggie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>ribs [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2050923</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>258</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>that will (never) be enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i can confirm this makes zero sense please enjoy</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was a lazy day, sprawled out in the studio, recounting old tales. Julie liked hearing about the boy’s lives before her. It soothed something in her chest, hearing how easily they gave her their secrets and their feelings and their dumb, </span>
  <em>
    <span>dumb </span>
  </em>
  <span>jokes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jokes like Reggie scoffing, “I can’t believe I died first. Fuckin’ embarassing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Julie rolled her eyes, but then she heard Luke pipe up with, “I know, right? And to think we all hoped it would be me,” and her throat closed up like a snapping turtle. It was offhand. Just another joke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just a fucking joke, and that was the exact problem. That was the reason it sank so heavily into Julie’s gut, like a stone tearing its way through her chest and settling at the pit of her stomach to erode as an open, acidic wound. It was just a lighthearted remark, and nothing more. It was just a casual thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the thing about casual thoughts was that they didn’t come as a shock. They were the sort of thing that imparted easily. That was what casual was all about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thing about casual thoughts was just that. They were what you thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Luke,” she said, except really she just opened her mouth and made a low whining noise, one that sort of hurt her lips as it rolled over them. He glanced at her with wide eyes, looking somewhat concerned, and Julie’s stomach tore open more, because of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course </span>
  </em>
  <span>he was concerning himself with her. Her poor boy. Her boy and his offhand heartbreak. Her boy and his lighthearted remark, his casual thought. Her boy and his joke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex cleared his throat. “That’s, uh- that’s not cool, man,” he said. His voice was kind of weak, though, trembling against the back of his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke looked between the three of them with a furrow between his brows. “I don’t- it was just a joke,” he tried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Julie said faintly. “We know.” And that was the exact problem.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke seemed paler than normal. “Jules-” he started, and then cut himself off with a shake of his head. “You guys don’t have to get all serious about it,” he said. His eyes were wide, earnest. They’d be hopelessly convicting if he were saying anything else. “It’s not like- I mean, I didn’t mind it! I’ve never minded it, I just-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Luke,” Reggie said, effectively cutting him off. His face was blank, lined with more solemnity than Julie had ever seen on him. “Can you just-” He pressed his lips together tightly for a moment. Luke shrank into himself a little more. “Can you just… can you say it again? Just make the same joke. You know I’m not-” his lips perked up in a sardonic little smile, contrasted by the unreadable darkness lurking in his eyes. “-the brightest. So just tell the joke again, baby. I didn’t really… get it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(It wasn’t really the right time, but Julie noticed distantly that she had never heard Reggie call someone “baby” before, and that it sounded very nice in his voice. He ought to use the nickname more often.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke shifted uncomfortably. “You’re smart,” he mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Luke.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.” Luke swallowed hard, his eyes darting between the three of them again. “Uh, I mean, I just…” He scratched the back of his neck. “I mean, it’s kinda true, right?” he tried. Julie could sense the way Alex and Reggie stiffened. “Like, not with Julie, obviously, because I’ve been dead as long as I’ve known her, but you guys- like, it had to cross your mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex and Reggie just kept staring. Julie couldn’t breathe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke laughed nervously. “I mean, I’m not saying you wanted me dead, I’m just saying that like- you know, if someone was gonna die? That doesn’t make sense, uh-” he screwed up his face in a frown. “Okay, okay, it’s like- it’s like, if you had to get rid of someone!” he decided. “If you had to get rid of someone, it’s me. Right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wrong,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Reggie said instantly, his voice breaking. “Wrong, wrong, wrong, Lukey, I-” he stumbled forward, collapsing down on the sofa next to Luke. “Wrong,” he said again. His arms wrapped around Luke’s waist, his nose falling into Luke’s neck, his body pressing against Luke’s until they were almost one and the same. Luke just looked confused. “You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>important,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Reggie whispered. “You’re so fucking important to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reg,” Luke breathed. “Oh… oh, Reg, honey, it’s okay-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop comforting me, asshole, this is about you-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I love you,” Luke replied, and his voice was thick like he was about to cry, and Julie’s eyes were stinging because Luke prided himself on being cool, on being slick, on making speeches and being passionate and not crying, and Luke was here crying over just one whisper of love. He was crying over one tiny moment, one tiny murmur, when he deserved it shouted, he deserved it screamed, he deserved it thrown up into the atmosphere like a firework to come raining down and rend the world in earthquakes. He deserved more love than this universe could give him, and just one touch was making him cry. “It’s just-” Luke swallowed hard. “Well- it’s just that I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>me, </span>
  </em>
  <span>you know? I’m loud and I’m annoying and I only ever talk about music and I know it gets on everyone’s nerves, but I don’t know how else to talk to people! I don’t know what else to talk about, all I have is this music, all I have is… is this. All I have is me. And that’s- that’s not enough.” He shrugged, but his eyes were watering. “It’ll never be enough,” he said softly. “It’ll always just be… me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reggie’s face wrinkled up and he pulled back, cupping Luke’s face in his hands. “Luke, look at me,” he said. “Look at me. Please.” Luke did with no small amount of trepidation in his eyes. It stung, seeing him so scared to face Reggie. To face his best friend, his other half, his completion, full of shaking hands and fearful eyes, full of fear and facing him anyway, because Luke would face any fear for Reggie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke would do anything for them, and that makes Julie’s heart ache- he’d do anything for them, but doesn’t he understand he doesn’t have to?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would do anything to keep you with me forever,” Reggie said, and his touch was gentle, and his voice was sweet. His voice was bursting with a love so genuine that it coiled itself into Julie’s stomach, straining her with pain. Love like that was too raw for the world. Love like that came from tears, came from rust. Love that like broke her heart in two and mended the gap with something deeper than she’d felt before. “Luke-” he stroked his thumb gently along Luke’s cheek. “I love you. You’re my best friend, and my favorite person, and I- fuck, you’re part of me. You know that, don’t you? You know I couldn’t be myself without you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You might be better,” Luke said. Reggie bristled. “Not that you’re not- you’re wonderful, Reg, you’re perfect, but I just- I mean, I’m not saying you guys don’t care about me! I know you do! I know you do, and I’m so grateful, but- it’s just </span>
  <em>
    <span>me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>You don’t want me all the time all at once. I’m meant for, like, small doses. So sometimes, you want me gone. It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt my feelings-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Luke,” Alex interrupted, his voice tight. The room fell quiet. There was no way to argue when Alex sounded like that, near angry with the knots tied up in his throat and tongue. It snapped into Julie’s gut like a whip. His teeth were set. “What the fuck are you saying?” Alex asked lowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke blinked. “Well, I mean, just…” he shrugged. “I’m, like, the expendable one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Expendable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Julie had heard the word expendable before. Julie had been expendable her entire goddamn life. But even knowing it inside and out, up and down, completely and fully and intimately and as part of who she’d been taught she was, Julie couldn’t pin expendability onto Luke. She couldn’t even begin to find where it might fit, how its faded hue might belong in his mosaic. He was everything, or at least he was Luke and that was close enough for her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was held back,” she blurted out, because she had too many thoughts to sort out a calm word. Three sets of eyes jerked over to her. She kept her gaze on Luke, her cheeks and her gut blazing, trying to press her words as an imprint on his heart. “When I was a kid. I couldn’t spell, so they wouldn’t let me go to the second grade.” Her cheeks felt hot. “I still can’t spell,” she admitted. “And reading is hard. I have to get Flynn to read things out loud to me a lot.” Luke had shifted forward, looking at her intently. Reggie’s got his arms still coiled around him, his chin hooked against Luke’s shoulder, his eyes resting on her. The gaze was soft, but it pierced her anyway. It was hard not to feel pierced when Reggie was looking at her. Something about him made her fall apart. Or fall together, maybe, because she wasn’t sure she’d ever felt more like herself than she did when Reggie’s attention was devoted to her. “I stutter if I talk too fast,” she continued, a little stronger. “It’s part of why I quit singing when Mom died. I don’t know what it was. I just couldn’t get lyrics out. I don’t know my left from my right, and I’m not quite sure where r comes in the alphabet, and I use Google for half my math homework. I mess up measurements whenever I cook. I don’t know how to tell time. I get headaches when I try to read out loud.” She stepped forward and lowered herself to her knees so that she could lean her forearms onto Luke’s legs and look up at him. “For a year,” she said softly, “I couldn’t sing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swallowed hard. “Julie-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, listen to me.” She reached up to touch his cheek gently. “For a year, I couldn’t sing,” she repeated. “I stammered when I spoke and I got headaches when I read and I failed math tests and I ate leftovers every night and I didn’t get any better at anything, and throughout all of it, throughout all of that, I couldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>sing. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The one thing I’ve always been good at, that I’ve always had as my thing, was taken away from me. I wasn’t myself anymore. I wasn’t the girl who wrote songs. I was just the girl that got held back a grade. I was just </span>
  <em>
    <span>stupid.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>She spit it out with all the force she had in her. All the pent up frustration, all the moments it had been hurled into her face, all the snickers from seatmates and disappointed looks from teachers came rushing back out of her, and suddenly </span>
  <em>
    <span>stupid</span>
  </em>
  <span> was the best word she’d ever gotten to say. “But,” she continued, letting the vindication recede back into her like a tide, “In May last year, a week before exams, my teacher sat me down. She was my English teacher. I was nearly failing her class, because my head hurt all the time and I couldn’t focus on the words and I’m terrible at it anyway, and do you know what she told me?” Luke’s hand came up to gently cup her jaw, warm against her skin. “She told me, Julie, you can study and study and study for your exam next week, but you’re not good at English. You can force word after word after word into your brain, but that won’t make you better. You can wear yourself out trying to pass a test, or you can build yourself up from who you already are. Hurting yourself won’t make it easier to heal. It just makes you bleed more next time.” She paused, searching his eyes. “You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>you, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Luke,” she said softly. “You’re loud, and you’re crazy, and you love music a little too much. You’re bad at reading the room but you’re good at lighting it up, and you love bad movies, and you cut the sleeves off all your shirts, and you ramble, and you don’t get enough sleep because once you start what you’re doing you don’t stop. You’re a mess, and it’s amazing, and you’re fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>perfect </span>
  </em>
  <span>just like that, Luke. You’re not meant for small doses. You’re meant to be part of my entire life. I don’t know who the hell I’d be without you, but it’s not who I am now, and it’s not someone worth being.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reggie kissed Luke’s shoulder gently. “I can’t count rhythm,” he said, and Luke gave a wet laugh, shaking his head. “I know, I know, you can tell. I can’t do it. I’ve tried. I’m shitty at keeping time, and I don’t know how to read social cues, and I’m so afraid of conflict that I never stand up for myself. Sometimes I cry to make people do what I want. I act in my own interest first before I think of anyone else. I’m selfish. I don’t want to fight for anything, so I take it and I walk away.” He sighed, rubbing a slow hand at Luke’s side. “You gave me second thoughts,” he confessed. His voice was low again, full of that love that tasted so bloody and so sweet under Julie’s tongue. “My first thought, it’s always about me. That’s just habit. That’s what I’ve always thought first. But I never thought anything else until you.” Luke's lips had fallen half open as he stared at Reggie with wide eyes, looking halfway between broken and adoring, and it was beautiful in a way that made Julie’s bones ache. “You make me better,” Reggie said firmly. “You make me happier. You make me feel like I can love myself. It’s funny, right?” Julie watched his throat work as he swallowed hard and felt a pang in her stomach. The roughness of Reggie’s voice was catching at her heart. “I have always done everything to take care of just myself,” he murmured, leaning his forehead against Luke’s. “But I never actually cared </span>
  <em>
    <span>about</span>
  </em>
  <span> myself until I cared about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke let out a choked sob, his fingers curling harder against Julie’s jaw. “Reg-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Reggie said. “I love you. More than myself. More than music. More than the beach. More than playing shows and more than nighttime drives with the windows down and more than </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Luke, I love you. You’re my best friend. You’re my person.” He curled his fingers into Luke’s shirt. “Till death do us part,” he finished softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke sniffled. “Till death do us part,” he echoed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No matter who went first,” Alex added, sparking an eye roll from Julie and a laugh from Luke. Reggie just wrinkled his nose, but he was smiling. Alex crossed the room, taking Luke’s other side. “Remember when we were fifteen?” he asked. Luke gave him a curious look. “My parents were going on and on about sin and all that, and I was fed up, so I went to the studio. Went to you.” He bumped their knees together, smiling. “And you remember what we did?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke laughed. “I bought you a drink,” he said hoarsely. “You said you wanted to sin a little more.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Alex’s face was warm. There was a home inside his eyes, and it looked like a studio, and it looked like music. “I was too scared to use the fake. So you did. Used </span>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>fake with </span>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>picture and just swaggered right on up to the counter. The guy didn’t even bat an eye. I didn’t panic again for that entire night, because if you could get away with that, what the fuck was my anxiety gonna convince me of?” Luke laughed again, the tenseness in his fingers melting away, and Julie leaned more heavily into his touch, unable to keep her own smile down. “I owe my bravery to you,” Alex told him, suddenly serious. “Because I know you can do anything, and I know I would do anything for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The garage felt heavy again, but not in an oppressive way. It was a gentle kind of pressure, just resting on all of their shoulders, keeping them aware of their torn open chests. It wrapped them up to stop the bleeding, to keep them breathing, and they all breathed in time with each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would do anything for you, too,” Luke said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Julie shifted closer, propping her chin on his knee. “We know. But you don’t have to.” Luke stared at her, and she raised herself up enough to kiss his cheek. “We love you,” she said, her voice suddenly fierce with the rush of emotions that came with Luke’s eyes. “You’re our music.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re our Luke,” Reggie said, and kissed the same spot Julie had, just as tenderly. Her heart aches with love again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex squeezed his knee. “I’m not going to kiss you, but I do love you a fuck of a lot,” he said frankly, and Luke barked out a laugh, ducking his head. Alex kept smiling. The open door of his eyes didn’t close when his gaze flickered to Julie, and maybe she was just emotional but she could feel a sob welling up in her chest, because she wanted so fucking badly to be someone that Alex called home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Julie and the Phantoms forever,” Reggie declared. “Now ‘til eternity, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now ‘til eternity,” Luke agreed, and Julie’s heart bloomed like a dahlia, just for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was late when she headed out of the studio. There was a soft popping noise, and a hand snagged her wrist, making her jump. “Sorry,” Reggie apologised immediately. “Sorry, I just…” he glanced down at the ground. “Julie,” he said, and then stopped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reggie,” she replied. She edged forward until their toes were pressed together, tilting her head up to look at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swallowed hard. “Julie,” he said again, a little lower, a little hoarser, a little too desperate, and her stomach flared with something she didn’t recognize. “I just… what I said to Luke. You know that was for you too, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Julie blinked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The L.A. wind washed over them like a blessing, sweet in the night air, golden from the falling dust of the stars. His eyes were wide open, just for her, focused just her, big and dark and devoted. She wondered if he knew how selfless he looked when he was looking at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, she said, “I know,” and then leaned up to kiss his cheek, just like she’d done for Luke. “Till death do us part,” she murmured in his ear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m pretty sure it already has,” he whispered back, but he hooked an arm around her waist and kissed her temple, and her laugh tasted so fully of love that she ripped her own heart in half with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could taste the blood of devotion under her tongue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’d never tasted anything better.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i hope you enjoyed &lt;33 come yell at me on tumblr @rxggiepeters and also make me write the essay i blew off for this</p><p>drop a comment to let me know what you thought!! all you matter so much and i love you i hope you're having a stellar day also give julie molina fuck word rights please</p></blockquote></div></div>
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